


Better And Worse

by orphan_account



Category: Game Grumps, jacksepticeye
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Communication, Confrontation, Fluff, Love, M/M, argument, learning to confront arguments and solve them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-15
Updated: 2016-12-15
Packaged: 2018-09-08 16:32:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8852134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: When Jack goes off to get back with the band, the trial period of one month turns into four long months with no explanation. Dan is at home with a broken promise to be kept in touch, and when Jack suddenly returns home, he is less than enthused.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there. This piece was beta read by my good pal @sweetiefiend. You should check her out on tumblr and ao3. THANKS GIRL.

"Dan?"

A cautious voice eases Dan back into reality, and he shakes the tunnel vision from his eyes and glaces to the right. Suzy is giving him a weary look, hands slightly raised above her knees where they had been resting, as if she's dealing with an ornery animal, unable to tell if it will turn around and sleep, or pounce and attack.

"Yeah?" Dan asks, voice pulled taut and stiff. He sees that his knuckles are white against the steering wheel, and he loosens his grip, unaware he'd been holding so tightly. When he does, he notices his speed, which is fifteen miles over the speed limit. He eases his foot off the gas pedal a bit, and watches the needle dip down to a normal speed.

"Sorry," he spews. It sounds insincere, but isn't. Dan doesn't mean to be so jumpy, but for some reason he just can't shake the feeling that's settling in the bottom of his stomach. Something between the lightning of anxiety and the slow burn of fear swirling around in one big soup. Dan has been going haywire ever since he woke up this morning, because he knew as soon as he opened his eyes that he couldn't hide anymore. There was no more waiting to be done. The margin of error is nonexistent, so he has to get there before the opportunity passes. Because once it does, it probably wouldn't ever present itself again.

What'll he even say to Jack once he's there? What can be said? It's not like Dan was the one who messed up. It was Jack. Jack tore it apart. Jack fucked it up and didn't try to undo it for as long as he could before it became inconvenient for him. But still, part of Dan aches like he's guilty every time he thinks about it. The way Dan just up and left and didn't return any attempt at contact from Jack after that day. Not a call, text, nothing. He didn't even want to get second hand information from everyone else, who were constantly in his face with something Jack had asked them to tell him. He had none of it. Rightfully so, but it still felt wrong. It felt wrong because of the kind of connection they had together. They weren't just friends or co workers, they were something so much bigger than that. Jack was the lovely pine tree standing among an empty field, and Dan was the snowfall that lightly traced the branches and turned them into something all the more beautiful. Two imperfect things somehow coming together and creating something still not perfect, but awe inspiring regardless.

But then the snow melted. And the tree was cut down.

Their last encounter is so clear to Dan, even now as he drives ever closer to where Jack is waiting for him. So vivid and loud and real that it he can still feel the whirlwind of emotions that clouded his brain on that fateful day. Anger, betrayal, sadness, and frustration.

Frustration has always been Dan's least favorite emotion to experience. No matter what it was directed towards, it was always an automatic roadblock to whatever he was trying to accomplish. Frustration is like this weird amalgamation of every negative emotion that can co-exist together in one, tar-like ball. It rolls around inside of him, all his patience and peace getting caught up in the gunk, blocking his reasonable thinking that normally comes so easily to him. Frustration is anger, and sadness, and annoyance, and confusion, especially confusion.

That day was mostly a blur, just another work day that blended in with the others, until that telling conversation made it separate from any other day. Who knew that a small tap on his shoulder from Jack asking Dan to the back room would completely change his life, his relationship with the person he so deeply loved.

"The band I used to be in," Jack said as he sat on the edge of one of the chairs, as if he were ready to run, "they want me back."

The gravity of what that meant hadn't quite hit Dan fully yet, because without missing a beat, he exclaimed, with a slap to Jack's shoulder, "That's amazing clover! Prouda you!"

Jack managed a half smile as he raised his hand up and scratched his neck. "Yeah. My old buddies got together and wanted to know if I could come back and work with them again. They want me back."

Dan nodded, very aware of Jack's skill on the drums. He was actually pondering on asking him to be a part of his and Brian's second cover album, was going to talk it over with Brian and then come to a decision. But he was almost sure that Jack would've ended up on a song. The guy says he's rusty, but he has some serious talent. Everyone can see it but him, the humble bastard.

"Jack that's totally amazing. That's so awesome."

"They want me back," Jack repeated again, "in Ireland."

Dan knew how quickly the smile faded from his face, the sudden weight of what Jack had just said pulling the corners of his mouth down into a frown, without Dan really noticing that he'd done it.

"Oh," Dan said. Jack looked remorseful that he'd even said anything, and Dan didn't mean to come off that way, so he built himself back up quickly. "That's...That's still awesome Jack. It is. It...do they really?"

"Yeah. They want me to come back to Dublin because it'd be too much for all three of them to come here, and since they and I know I have the money..." He made a sweeping gesture with his hand which finished his sentence for him.

Dan felt guilty for reeling back so quickly from Jack. He didn't mean to, truly he didn't. So he stood up and walked around Jack, giving him a tight squeeze from behind. He let his chin rest on top of Jack's head, just able to see the fluff of green hair in his peripheral vision. His clover. "It is a good thing, really it is. I bet you'll do great." A pause while he wove through the details. "What are you going to choose?"

Dan removed himself from Jack and sat down to study his face. His simple, innocent, adorable face that was etched in worry now, a careful concentration. Dan hated seeing him like that. He wanted to reach forward and just press a hand to his cheek, tell him it was alright. But something kept him from doing so. Something he couldn't quite name.

"It'd be a cool thing to do, get back with the band after so long. We could end up big, y'know."

Dan chose his words carefully, quietly, sensing now something in the air that made the room tense. "You didn't really answer my question. What are you going to do?"

"I'm...considering it."

"People don't pull other people aside to tell them that they're considering something Jack. They do it because they've already made a decision. I just want to know what you chose." He kept sure to make his voice gentle. Dan didn't want to sound accusatory, just curious.

"I wanna do it," Jack said quietly.

Dan nodded, half fake half real smile on his face. "Well that's awesome clover, it really is. I'm sure you'll all do amazing." He reached up and planted a kiss on Jack's forehead. "When are you leaving?"

"Tomorrow."

It felt at that moment that he had been physically punched in the stomach. Like someone had stood up and just rammed him in the gut. He was leaving tomorrow, and he just now decided to tell Dan that he was going? Who does that? Apparently Jack.

But, Dan reminded himself to not get so angry right away. These things happened sometimes, and in those times, some people needed to jump out right away and see what was out there in the world. He had done it once. Arin had done it once. Brian had done it once. So it would only be fair to give Jack a chance to do the same. 

So Dan swallowed his stunned disappointment and said, "What about your channel?"

"They know about it," Jack replied, indicating his fans, "that I'm leaving for a bit. Just to see how it goes."

"How long?"

"About a month." Jack stood, wiping invisible dust off his shirt. Dan did the same. Dan smiled, held up his pinky.

"Promise to call?" Dan asked. He knew he sounded childish, but he couldn't help it. This was his clover.

Jack linked their pinkies. "And text and Skype and write." He kissed Dan. A quick peck. "And everything in between."

They left it at that. The same night was filled with kisses and hugs and sweet words and almost sex, and a bunch of goodbyes. But he'd be back in a month, Jack promised. He'd stay in touch. He'd be back. 

Dan received texts for a week. 

After that, there were four months of nothing but silence. Not a call was answered, not a text was returned. Dan figured, for the first little while, that he was just getting settled in. Moving from L.A. across the ocean back to Ireland was a big undertaking. Also, he was trying to get that band back together. So Dan swallowed his disappointment like mercury, and ignored that part of his brain that said to get upset. 

Jack made a few videos on his channel, explaining the situation, which rubbed Dan the wrong way. If he had time to sit down and make videos telling his fans about it, then why couldn't he take two minutes and call Dan to just say hi? Say anything? Even a, "Hey, I'm still alive and I still love you."

_Does he even love me anymore?_ Dan had thought involuntarily. But he tossed the thought away quickly because it was absurd. Of course Jack still loved him. He was just...busy. Way too busy. Too busy to stop and shoot a text over. Too busy to even...acknowledge Dan's existence. People who love people...don't they stay in touch?

He started to count the days. Four months and five days before he saw Jack again. And on that day, he didn't even know that Jack was coming.

Dan came into the office late that day, but everyone already knew he was going to. Dan had woken up sick, and asked Arin if it was okay to stay in bed for another hour before he came in. Arin said to just take a day off, but Dan wasn't _that_ sick. He was ready to work. So after a quick breather and long shower, Dan slid into the driver's seat of his car and his brain turned to autopilot as he made the usual route to work.

Once there, he walked to the entrance, keys twirling around in his hand, and he swung the door open, feeling extra theatrical that day.

"No need to fear for I am here!" he said in his biggest super hero voice, loud and bold. When he received no immediate reply, he didn't think much of it. Most of the crew ignored his grand entrances nowadays anyway. Usually he was met with jumbled greetings, his friends too deep in their work to take interest in Dan being fancy. 

So he walked farther into the office and dropped his keys on the table near the communal fridge. Dan turned his head and saw that everyone was gathered together in a big circle, laughing and chattering like a high school clique. Well, that was a little weird. Did someone come over?

"Guys?" Dan asked. He probably didn't say it loud enough, because no one answered him, or even acknowledged that he was there. Dan's brows inched together in confusion; what was so interesting?

"I'm sure Dan would love to see you," said Arin as he leaned in the group and hugged someone. Dan stepped in closer to see who the hell everyone was so enamored by. 

Then he saw a tuft of neon green hair sticking up, and Dan could've sworn that he felt his heart physically stop beating in his chest.

"Jack," Dan said, way louder than he had meant to. It was almost a shout. A statement. Even saying the name out loud, after being dead on his tongue for months, felt like it burned as it hung in the air.

All the noise stopped, and everyone turned around to face Dan. Some had smiles of their faces, but they drooped down to frowns when they saw that Dan was most definitely not excited to see Jack. But Dan didn't really care about anyone else in the room. All he could see was Jack, standing there with his eyes that resemble an ocean that Dan so often swam in.

Only now it felt like drowning.

Jack stammered. He knew. "D-Dan! Hey! How are...how have you been?"

"Do you even care?" Dan asked without thinking. His voice was low, hoarse, something he'd never heard from himself before. Jack was taken aback. Pairs of eyes widened. Mouths hung open. It felt like the temperature had dropped to zero.

"I...uh..."

"Come on," Dan said. He stepped forward and grabbed Jack's wrist, more of a reflex than a thought, and he pulled Jack into the grump room. Once in, he shut the door and twisted the lock so no one could open it and try and end this conversation. It had been a while since they'd even _had_ a conversation, after all.

"What the hell was that about?" Jack asked, rubbing his wrist with his other hand.

"Oh, what the hell was that about? Maybe you should tell me! Where have you _been?"_ Dan didn't like the way he sounded right now. It didn't sound like him. Shouting was not something he did to anyone. Especially Jack. But all of a sudden, Dan felt all the hurt and feelings of abandonment slam into him at once like a brick wall.

Jack seemed helpless as he fumbled for an answer. "Where have I...? In Ireland Dan, you know that!"

"Do I? How did I know you weren't dead in the gutter somewhere because it's not like I've heard from you in the last four months! Or, no, actually, I saw your videos for your _channel_ so, I guess that's enough right?" He was being cruel. He felt it seeping into his bones. It felt dirty, unlike anything he's acted like before.

"What are you talking about?"

This wasn't him. It wasn't. It felt like Dan was watching himself from a third person point of view, screaming at himself to stop. He knew that he shouldn't be doing this. He needed to keep his voice down, give Jack a chance to explain himself. He knew that that was what needed to be done.

But he saw Jack standing there. Finally, after months of silence, Dan had his attention. And damn it, everything he was feeling was exploding out of him, like a shaken up soda bottle. He couldn't stop and part of him didn't want to.

"I thought I mattered to you," Dan spat. His voice shook. "I thought I...everyone. It was like once you left L.A....me and...Arin and Vern...it was like we didn't exist anymore."

Those blue eyes clouded over like a hurricane. Dan's eyes down and saw that Jack was picking at his cuticles. A tick only present when he was nervous. "I...I tried to keep in touch Dan. The band got busy, the media wanted an album so we gave them an album. You haven't seen it?"

"No, Jack! I haven't seen it! No one's seen it! The only thing we've seen is how your fans are apparently more important than us! Where's _our_ 'little update' huh?"

Jack stopped picking at his cuticles, and his hands fell at his sides, in fists. "You know, you keep saying 'we'. Where's 'our' little update? But it's like you're the only person who seems sour about me coming back home, which is the exact opposite of what I expected."

"Because _I'm_ not them!" Dan felt something break. His voice was cracking and his eyes were welling up and he could feel something breaking. "I'm...we were..." He felt so powerless. "You _promised_ me. That you would call. And text...and...everything in between." A vague memory of their pinkies linking together came to Dan's mind, which made him want to laugh. He saw now how stupid of a gesture that was to trust. "You were my clover."

There was a pause. A silence hanging in the air that made the atmosphere stale. "Were?"

Dan's jaw went tight. "Were. You _were."_

Then he walked out, shoved himself into his car, and drove home, shutting his phone off for the rest of the day.

***

"Are you sure you're ready for this, Dan? We can...we can go back."

Dan shakes his head, a little quicker than he means to. "No, I want...I want to." He most certainly does not want to, but he knows he has to. Dan feels like he could be ready, if he focuses hard enough. He just has to remember to level his breathing, open his mind, and keep his mouth shut to let other people explain.

"If you aren't prepared enough..." Suzy starts.

"I am," Dan says. "Or I have to be even if I'm not. He'll never be there again after this, I...I can feel it. Just let me...let me think okay?"

Suzy nods, a subtle movement. "Okay."

***

The door is like a steel barricade between Dan and the office. He has his keys held so tightly in his hands that he might start to bleed because he knows what's behind this door. He knows that Jack is there with his blue eyes and his green hair and--is his hair even green anymore? It's been so long since Dan's even bothered to look. It could be pink for all he knows.

But he's about to find out.

"Ready?" Suzy asks.

_No._ "Yes." Dan finds the right key on the ring easily; he's used it every day for what seems like forever now. He holds it between his thumb and finger, hands slightly shaking. _Come on,_ Dan reprimands, _you aren't in middle school anymore. Stop it. Keep calm. Deep breaths._

It's like his improve teacher is in front of him again, clapping his hands and shouting for him to breath, so he does. Dan takes in one long breath and holds it in for a few seconds before letting it out. He inserts the key in the door and twists the knob, letting the door creak open of its own volition.

Once inside, Dan waits for Jack to appear. Near the kitchen, by the couch, somewhere he'd be able to see right away. But he's half relieved to find that Jack isn't there. For a terrifying and satisfying moment, Dan thinks Jack hasn't shown up at all, that he can just go home and never have to face this spike stabbing into his stomach. He almost turns around and goes, but forces himself to stay, because he can hear shuffling coming from the grump room that's followed by a laugh. A laugh that's so loud it seeps through the sound proofing. A laugh Dan recognizes.

Dan steps quietly towards the window that lets a person see into the recording room. He peeks in, and at first he sees Arin sitting in his normal spot, leaned forward and saying words Dan cannot make out. After a brief moment, however, he leans back and there's someone in his usual spot. Then that telling little tuft of green hair that always sticks up is sticking up and Dan's heart becomes so rapid it's scary. He moves out of the way of the window, pressing himself against the wall beside it. His breath is heavy against the air.

"He's here," Dan says under his breath, mostly to himself. "He's there."

Dan feels immensely alone, but there is suddenly a pair of hands on either of his shoulders, and he shifts his eyes to see Suzy staring at him. Her pale green eyes are not like an ocean, rather a soft rainfall. Comforting and quiet, but secretly strong.

"Dan, you gotta listen to me."

Dan nods absentmindedly. "I'm listening."

"No you're not." She reaches up with a tender hand and guides Dan's chin higher up, so their eyes are locked. Her hand is soft, but solid. He feels steadier somehow. "He's just a person Dan."

A laugh bubbles out of him. "Come on Suze, don't start with that..."

"Let me finish," she interrupts. "He's a person. He's no better--"

"I know--"

"Or worse." Dan stops. "He's no better or worse than either of us."

That phrase sticks to him. Better or worse. But he is worse, Dan rationalizes. He left and didn't even maintain contact. Jack is the reason Dan's even in this mess to begin with. Jack's the one in the wrong.

But didn't Dan do the same thing? In the end, he realizes, they both left. 

Maybe there's more to what Suzy said than he likes to believe.

"Okay," Dan says finally. "Okay. Thank you. I'll...I'll wait for them to be done."

***

If waiting is a prison, then Dan feels like he's on death row. He's on the couch, perched on the edge of it as if he's ready to sprint away, head in his hands, and for some reason the air smells like a funeral service. Fabric softened black sweaters worn by a hoard of old people who are crying and skimpy dresses worn by younger people who don't even know why they're there. The air is at a stalemate, the only thing in it moving around are dust particles that Dan can't see as he takes in quiet breaths. Somewhere in the room there is a coffin with something dead inside of it, no longer human but instead made of chemicals. The smell is neutral, saved only for a situation like this, where it's a make it or break it situation. You can break down and weep, or you can hold your head up and move along.

But that depends on who it is laying in that coffin.

Hours later, but still too soon, Dan hears the grump door being opened. He jerks his head up and begins to stand but then Suzy rushes forward and stops Arin in the doorway. She whispers in his ear and jerks a subtle thumb in Dan's direction. Dan sees Arin lean forward an inch over Suzy and look at him. Dan manages a small wave as Arin glances behind himself, regarding Jack.

Dan stands against his creaking bones and waits in nervous anticipation for what's about to happen. Arin turns, says something to Jack. Dan can't see the reaction. Then Arin walks out and past Dan, giving him a pat on the shoulder that says, "Good luck."

Or maybe it's saying, "About time."

Maybe both.

***

The door shutting behind them is like the signing of a death certificate. Not a word is said for an uncomfortable amount of time, and Dan lightly leans against the door, hands behind his back. It's so silent it feels like he has soundproofing inside of himself, like anything he says would be muffled to the point of being undetectable. The thought is almost enough to deter Dan from talking at all. But he doesn't talk first, anyway.

He moves.

Dan steps forward quicker than he means to and snakes an arm around Jack's waist. The other hand slides up and around the back of his neck and he pulls Jack forward into a hard kiss.

Neither of them really expected that.

The kiss is deep and angry, old love or lust or loathing or something else entirely bubbling up inside of the both of them. Jack reaches up and holds Dan's shoulders, gripping as if he'd fall apart without them. Then he slides his hands down Dan's back, a light trace that says he's holding back from scratching. They finally rest on the small of his back, holding the fabric of Dan's shirt so tightly it could pierce the cotton. Dan feels like this moment could almost be normal. It seems normal from the outside looking in. Jack and Dan, kissing like they used to every day. But something's a little off. It's a bit too frantic, like the connection isn't the same, if it's there at all. It's a kiss, yes, and a damn good one, but not right enough to continue.

Sense slaps Dan in the face, so he pulls away with a jerk, wiping the wet shame off his lip with the back of his hand. When he looks, a small streak of blood stains his finger. He must not have felt it through all that adrenaline. 

Heavy breaths with budding sweat permeate the room for a few seconds, followed by a single word. "Unexpected."

Of all the greetings Dan could've received from Jack, that is the first word he gets. Though, it's not like he isn't thinking the same thing.

"I fucking missed you," Dan says into the open air. The words are clumsy, and leak out of his mouth like goo before plopping on the ground in front of Jack's feet. Jack glances to the floor, as if he is looking at them, studying them, pondering picking them up and ingesting them.

Jack looks back up. Kicks the words across the floor like that isn't good enough. "Where have you been?"

These words are more quiet, indirect. Subtly hurt under all the introversion, and they only float off of Jack's lips, suspending in the air before dissipating like smoke; disappeared, but still there. They quietly grip the sides of the table and turn it, so it's Dan's time to explain why he cut off contact.

He opens his mouth as if the answer is as simple as breath, but when he goes to form the words, they don't come. At least, not the way he wants them to. In his head, this goes so much better. However, out loud, it sounds childish. "I was angry, Jack. I was angry and I felt...really alone and I guess it was a dick move to just leave but I just kind of...I felt betrayed. Because you left and...I guess I should've stayed and let you explain but I didn't and I just..." A sigh is pushed out of him that shoves the words forward, but he isn't done. The truth slides out of Dan's stomach. Quiet and weighty. "I want to fix us."

Jack takes a step forward. "Me too." He looks as if he might reach out a hand, touch Dan, hold him. But he doesn't. "Maybe we could...you know...start over?"

"I don't _want_ to start over," Dan says with the air of a child who makes fists and stomps his foot when he's upset. "Do you think I can start over with someone I just made out with before even saying hello? After, what, eight months now in total?"

Jack pauses. "Eight months?"

"Eight months," Dan confirms, melancholic.

Jack reaches up and itches the back of his neck. "Man," he says. He hadn't been keeping track. It hurt Dan so much that he started to keep count of the days? "I'm so sorry."

Warmness spreads through Dan like a slow bleed of honey; it starts in his chest and splays its fingers out into his arms, his legs, and his head. Suddenly, this argument, this hurt, all of this bickering and silence, all of it seems so pointless. So completely meaningless that Dan actually wants to laugh. So he does. A laugh that probably makes Jack think he's gone off his rocker, but a laugh nonetheless. "I'm sorry too clover," he says. "I let it escalate, and I'm so sorry."

Jack's eyes widen. They are glossy. "I'm...I'm your clover again?"

Dan almost jumps forward and pulls Jack into a tight hug. A hug that seems to glue together all of the pieces that fell out in the time they were apart. Dan lays his head down on Jack's shoulder. "You were always my clover. I love you so much."

"I'm so sorry."

Dan clenches his eyes shut. "Me too."

"This was way easier than I thought it'd be," Jack mumbles, and Dan agrees. Dan thought it would be more screaming, and yelling, and tears and adrenaline. He thought the wall of silence they'd built between each other was going to be so thick that they wouldn't be able to recognize each other's voices anymore.

In honesty, that's why Dan had stayed away for so long. He was afraid. He was afraid of what would happen when he tried to come back, which was why he prolonged this meeting for as long as he could. Now, he supposes, that was a dumb idea. Jack isn't the type of guy to not forgive a person, and neither is Dan. They're both good guys who just fell a little out of place for some time.

But it's nice now. Like both of them can finally take a deep breath again. Everything is back to normal.

And that means _everything._

"Does this mean we can have sex again?" Dan asks. They pull away from each other and share a laugh. 

"Oh my god," Jack says under his giggles. "Okay, yes. But it's a little soon."

"There is NO such thing as too soon!" Dan exclaims in his most regal voice.

"Suzy and Ross are watching."

"I'm not gonna go kinkshaming."

"Can it wait until after work?"

"I can, but _it_ probably won't be able to."

They both share another laugh. There is playful slapping of arms, linking of fingers. And another kiss. It feels more like an extension of Dan's body rather than a shoe horned object now. It feels like it used to feel. It feels like love.

That night, Dan goes home with a smile, knowing that once he gets there, he'll have texts and missed calls and Skype notifications to attend to. 

Just like normal.

**Author's Note:**

> I really liked this one, because it's so true to arguments I've had. You refrain from coming back because you think that it would never be solved, but in reality, it wasnt ever that hard. Apologies and hugs work wonders. 
> 
> So what did you think? Have praise? Criticism? I'd love to hear from you.


End file.
